International Hotel Transcript

Have you noticed that the dignitary from the Congo hasn’t talked to us since she forced you to buy one of her ‘save the children’ bracelets?
Yeah, but it’s kind of pretty, even though she may have forced a six year old to thread it before she gave her that 20oz bottle of water.

Speaking of social justice warriors, the raging homosexual from Portland is really getting on my nerves…
He asked me to borrow olive oil last night…olive oil…luckily I had some extra in my bag, but what a weirdo…

I just hate his smug look of self satisfaction. He trapped me last night and basically raped my ears for 20 minutes while he cried about his outreach work in the Sudan.
Me too! This is a real life me too moment!

Who would voluntarily spend so much time in Africa?
He’s definitely fighting one or multiple forms of mental illness.

I’d much rather hangout with Michael in Ireland while he sings and dates Slovakian heads of state…
What did he say to you the other night again?

That the princess had a stunningly beautiful vagina…the outer lips and inner lips were perfectly symmetrical, so it didn’t look like a sick jellyfish.
Very profound…there’s a lot of deformed vaginas out there…

Like the guy in the room next to us who kept talking about his ‘girlfriend’?
The one we never saw and I’m pretty sure was stuffed in that giant bag he lugged around ?

Yeah her, I bet your vag doesn’t look so good after it’s chopped into bite sized pieces.
I picture him at dinner, sitting across from the bag, talking to it while onlookers stare…

You know he left me a bag of shrimp flavored Ramen when he left? And then stole my last cigarette…
How poetic. I hope you threw the Ramen away.

No I ate it, and when I was leaving the kitchen I watched that enormous Swedish meatball almost take a head dive down the stairs..
She confuses me. I didn’t think obesce people traveled well. I just hope they made her buy at LEAST two seats on the plane

I’m still confused about that front desk worker. I’m convinced it’s a man, I mean it has a full goatee…
But it has boobs and prominent hips. Maybe it’s one of those gender-less people. Some people find their sexual niche and just stay there. Face of a man and body of a woman, someone has to be into that…

I’m just afraid to call it by the wrong pronoun after we spent  24 hours researching and then bashing the gender-less movement…
Yeah you wouldn’t want to psychologically violence her-him-it-them.

You’re a lawyer, you should really find a way to make it illegal to participate in gender confusion…
Everyone has to feel unique and special these days. It’s only going to get worse.

Did I tell you I had a little chat with a former narcotics detective from Orange County at breakfast this morning…
You’re an idiot.

I know, it was short though because it was way too early in the morning for such rich irony.
You should be writing some of this stuff down contemporaneously…

Don’t worry I am.