I’ve never used the word ‘partner’ to refer to someone I’m sleeping with. It just sounds so gay, and just because I enjoy sleeping with dudes 65% of the time, it doesn’t mean I have to prance around lisping about my ‘partner’.
All of this changed the day I met my heterosexual life partner, Melissa, who looks exactly like Brittany Murphy in ‘Clueless’. Even though she’s the only person who ever refused to sleep with me when I drunkenly hit on her, the world never feels right unless we are sharing a bed, or at least a home.
After we met at crazy Emily’s, I realized I couldn’t live without her. So I quickly convinced her to start working with me at the nicest bar in town. Our GM at the time quickly fell in love with her as well because she’s a classic beauty with a giggle that will melt your heart. Adam was, and still is, one of my favorite bosses, but he was kind of a creep. He was allegedly separated but still lived with his wife, and loved to drink at work and hit on the (female) bartenders. For once I felt left out.
So Adam took an immediate liking towards Mel and soon we had his cell phone number. One day we were slow at work, and we texted him from Melissa’s phone. He kept asking her to send him naughty pictures.
Later that week, I invite Melissa over to try out my new mattress, which would later become our marital bed at the fun fort, and we decide to fuck with Adam.
“Text him and tell him you want a naughty pic first”
She sends it and not 30 seconds later we have a close up of Adam’s short blonde penis. We laugh for a couple of minutes while he harasses her to send one back.
“But I’m bashful” she replies.
“Well what about one of your ass?”
A smile creeps across my face. I ask Mel what kind of underwear she has on, and she flips over and pulls down her sweat pants. A lacey pink thong – it’s perfect.
“Give those to me!”
I slip my boxers off and replace them with the tiny thong before turning my ass towards her. Mel starts clapping and then snaps a picture which we immediately send to Adam.
“Nice…that’s really hot” he replies “you got any more?”
This is when we lose it and one of my slack jawed roommates eventually comes in to yell at us.
“Do you think he will ask me why I don’t shave my legs and wear men’s soccer socks?” Mel giggles.
Adam never asks so either he didn’t notice or didn’t care. To this day, I take great pleasure in picturing our GM jerking off to a picture of my ass in Melissa’s pink thong.
“In his defense, your ass did look pretty good in my panties” Mel later said.
At this point, you are probably asking yourself “why aren’t you with this beautiful angel right now Nick?”. The answer to that would take too long to cover in depth, but basically I let myself get tricked into going to ANOTHER rehab, and Melissa let herself get tricked into dating an Irishman.
Obviously we both aren’t great at life.