Not A Pattern

I punched Denny in the head once after drinking an entire fifth of Smirnoff. I don’t feel bad about it either. My only regret it that I didn’t hit him harder. And before you tell your friends that I’m abusive, wait until you hear what happened. Also, know I would never hit a woman or a family member. If your a dude though, you’re fair game if you cross a line, even if we happen to be sharing a bed.

All this happened about a month after we’d moved into a penthouse in City View. Even though we were on the top floor, and it had 16-foot windows, this place was the fucking worst. Not the time or place, but one day I’ll get around to writing about it. My parents were trying to get us out of the lease. Denny was just going to move out because he’d grown up poor and didn’t know what a default judgment was.

At this point, I’d finally admitted to myself that I hated Denny, but because I’m a masochist, and didn’t want to separate the dogs, we formed a plan to live in the same building, just in different apartments. Denny had already applied and been accepted at the new property, and I was waiting for my application to go through.

So I’m at work on a Thursday, bored as usual, and start checking off things on my ‘Leave Denny’ list. His name was on one of my checking accounts at PNC because when we started dating he couldn’t get a checking account. I’m the most irresponsible person I know, especially when it comes to money, and even I am still allowed to open checking accounts. This was sad and just another obvious red flag I ignored. I now had to close the account, so I call PNC and get some startling news.

I can’t close the account because it’s been overdrawn by $500 from a check written for a deposit to our leasing agent. I’m livid. I text Denny and he gives me a story about how Rachel must have used the wrong check blah blah blah. The only reason I buy the story is because I hate the property management company and haven’t yelled at Rachel for a while. I leave at 3:30, it is a Thursday, and I head downstairs to Revel and Roost and start downing martinis. Rachel finally returns my call and she basically tells me I’m wrong and it was Denny’s fault. I start screaming at her, and she eventually hangs up on me.

Denny gets off work and meets me downstairs. I tell him I have to stop at Wines & Spirits so I can replenish my stockpile of vodka. He’s acting weird and keeps telling me how bad he feels that the leasing office made this mistake. He goes as far to tell me he will sell his TV to pay me back. “That’s dumb” I say “it wasn’t your fault, I’ll fix it”. I feel better from the martinis and yelling at Rachel, so I’m not even really paying attention to him at this point.

Back at the penthouse, I continue to drink. Sometimes the more I drink, the smarter I get, and I start to realize what really happened with my checking account. I start accusing Denny of knowingly using my account for his deposit which he denies over and over again. I must wear him down eventually, which I’m usually pretty good at after polishing off a fifth of vodka to myself.

He finally looks at me with a sneer and says “I don’t know why you are so worried about it…you know your parents will pay the overdraft”.

That’s when I punched him in the head. He must have locked himself in the bedroom after that, and I must have blacked out because the last thing I remember is pounding on the door before waking up at my parent’s house the next morning.

Things get really retarded after that night. Denny files a PFA against me and sends a copy of it to our work and the leasing company. When I get the call from HR late that morning, I’m still at my parent’s house. Up until this point, they are only mad at me (since I have a disease *eye roll), and as usual, won’t even listen to why my actions were totally justified. I was defending their honor! After the call from HR, my parents must realize that this dude fucking sucks, and I make room for them on the side of reason.

“I don’t think this kid realizes he’s messing with someone who has the resources to do something about it” my dad says. Even though I’m hungover, and my hand kind of hurts, this makes me smile.

The weird thing is that after all this happened, and we stopped talking he started reaching out to some of my friends. I assume this is what happens when you don’t have any of your own, and even your own family gave you up. I didn’t hear about this until over a year later.

“Dude, what was it like hanging out with him?” I ask CT.

“Really weird and sad, but mostly sad. I can see why you left.”

Denny even went as far to send my attorney/girlfriend an essay he wrote about the night I ‘abused him’. I lost it when she told me this. I hit like a girl, and it was probably less of a punch and more of a hard slap.

“His essay was actually very well written, but I could tell it wasn’t true” attorney/girlfriend says.

“I’m sure it was, he wasn’t dumb, just compared to us.”

Apparently, Denny even posted the PFA online so he could ‘warn other people’. I actually filed my own PFA against him the day after the ‘abuse’ mostly to prove that it was easy, and also so I could go to fucking work. When I did, I found out that Denny was too stupid to have it served to me, a fact he must have realized when I had him served with one. The whole thing was ridiculous, but the fact that he called my friends to cry about being pathetic makes me furious. Get your own friends you loser. If he ever decides to do something with his life besides assistant manage a call center, and we cross paths again, I will do my best to ruin it for him the way he ruined all of our vacations and most of 2016.

Denny also tells my mom that I put his name on one of my credit cards to try and saddle him with my debt.

“It was a secured credit card,” I tell my mom “if anything when I closed it he would be entitled to half of what I got back”.

She rolls her eyes and walks away, apparently disgusted that her ‘brilliant’ son could ever have dated such a nincompoop.

“This really isn’t someone you want to be associated with long-term” she said a week later.

Denny also keeps half of my furniture and a lot of my clothes. When I show up at his new place to demand my things back he tells me he doesn’t have anything of mine. “That’s my sweater you have on right now you dick”. I honestly wish I was making this shit up.

My mom saw Denny at the point last summer walking the dog he kept when I left. I gave him the younger one because I knew he wouldn’t have any money to take care of the elderly puggle. When I had the puggle put down I even texted this human piece of garbage to ask him if he wanted to say goodbye. See sometimes I think of others. Denny never responded, proof of the kind of person he truly is.

“Obviously I walked the other way when I saw him,” my mom said, “but you will be happy to know that Gwenie looked great”.

A smile creeps across my face “was he with anyone?”

That’s when we both start laughing because we both know he will always be alone.