Treatment of Addicts

By 2016, the only reason I was going to any more rehabs was to appease the Commonwealth and my family. I wasn’t aware of this at the time, and like most self discovery it was stumbled over in subsequent reflection.

Being completely sober all of the time sounds an awful lot like an internship (i.e. all work and no pay). It just doesn’t seem to agree with my particular brain chemistry. Don’t feel bad for me though because my life rocks, and I seem to have found a happy medium.

Sadly, the last few rehabs were all but forced upon me at gunpoint. “We are just trying to help you!” my captors screamed, waving their ak-47s in the air and spraying bullets as I pawed the locked windows. Rehab is terrible. Even the cushy private ones I first attended years ago were lonely and basically soul crushing.

Here’s a little something I like to think about and very few people will acknowledge. We look back on how addicts were ‘abused’ 50 years ago when they were tossed into sanitariums because they didn’t have the ‘luxury’ of attending a rehab facility. This point is most often driven home by said rehab facilities, but the reality is that we are essentially still doing the same thing. It’s actually worse now in my eyes because we no longer treat addicts as sick or insane but morally deficient. I’ve been treated like a bad child in almost every rehab I’ve attended.

The state of addiction treatment in America is  fucking repulsive. If I ever become fabulously wealthy, rather than just sit around in my pajamas all day wealthy, I vow to shut down some of the worst offenders. The rehab mills like Cove Forge, Gaudenzia, and Pyramid.

These places make me sick, and the people that work there remind me of the Nazis working the ovens. “We were just following orders”. If by some chance there is a hell, the people that work at these profit driven cesspools of human misery will be in the inner most ring getting fucked by sand paper dildos while Satan yells “I’m trying to help you!“.

I digress. My point is that I truly believe that in a few decades we will look back at the past 20 years and shake our heads in disbelief. Disbelief at how we treated our fellow man afflicted with something awful (but probably not a disease).


Shooting heroin because you aren’t happy with your life? Here’s a fun and expensive fix for you!

We are going to rip you away from the few family members and friends you have left in your life, ship you to the middle of nowhere, and stick you on a desolate mountain. Hopefully it’s not one of the nine months during the year that said mountain is covered in snow or freezing rain because all of our buildings are spread out over a two square mile campus.

We will use the word campus to fool your loved ones. Then we will force you to walk around it 16 hours a day, regardless of how you feel physically or emotionally. Remember we care about you!

We will detox you, but only for a maximum of three days, so hopefully you aren’t coming off anything serious like Suboxone, Methadone, or a benzo cocktail. If so, you will probably have a seizure, and we will refuse to take you to a hospital. You can suck it up like the rest of our 200 clients.

Now, our death camp campus may look like a haphazard accumulation of hastily built sheds that are now full of black mold, but part of it actually use to be a youth detention center. When the state closed it down a couple of years ago (probably for too many suicides, but don’t quote me on that), we slapped a cost of paint on it and turned it into additional cattle client housing.

We like to think of these as our preferred suites because you’ll get not one but two roommates. One of these roommates will likely have come directly from prison and be covered in swastikas, so hopefully you aren’t a minority or scare easily.

Let’s talk about that 16 hour schedule. Only two hours of this will be spent with someone who has an actual degree in addiction treatment. And even those few hours will be shared with 15 other cattle clients. We care about you remember?

The additional 14 hours will be spent waiting in line to eat, waiting in line to take meds, sitting in a shed for roll call three times a day, or sitting in another shed and having self run 12 step meetings. A few times a day you will also get the pleasure of sitting in aforementioned room and listening to an hour long speech. These are conducted by one of the 50 babysitters techs we employ so we don’t have to pay college graduates.

The only qualifications you need to be a tech are 1. Use to smoke crack 2. No longer (allegedly) smoke crack 3. Have a tendency to abuse literally the smallest amount of power a person can be given.

If you don’t succumb to the seizures, the black mold, or the rampant illegal drug use at our facility we will eventually graduate you when your insurance runs out and send you back to your loved ones.

When you inevitably relapse we will blame you for not trying hard enough.

Because remember we care!