French Connection

Karina was the first girl I enjoyed having sober sex with. She was French-Canadian and lived in Montreal for most of the year. I met her at the Sober Cult Mansion in Virginia when she came to spend the summer with her mom, who was the cult leader’s best friend.

After it came out that we’d slept together (fuck you Matt Rainbolt!), her mom walked me outside one night.

“Did you have sex with my daughter?”

Now her mom Dina was a little scary, especially before she lost all that weight, so I surprised myself when I said “yes”. I was probably a little proud, remember I was only 20.

“Did Matt have sex with my daughter?”

“No, but I think there may have been an under the covers handy-j”

Her mom nodded and we went inside. I mean what did these people expect? Most of us were 19-23 and trapped inside a beautiful mansion with nothing to do but watch movies and swim. They were lucky we weren’t having orgies in the Billiard Room downstairs.

Anyways, we had to have a house meeting about the whole thing, and you can imagine how that went. The ugly guys called her a slut, Karina cried, and Dina got all mamma bear and threatened the cult leader with a molly-wopping. It would have been sad if it wasn’t so entertaining to watch and encourage. Karina kept her distance for the rest of the summer, but ended up dating my raver friend, so we kept in contact.

Three years later, I was staying at my parents, having decided George Mason was not for me, and I found myself addicted to Opanas. I know right, that was dumb – heroin is so much cheaper. I ended up overdosing a couple of times, blah, blah, blah, you know my patterns by now, and my parents wanted to send me back to the Cult Mansion. Sadly, the Cult Mansion had fallen on hard times, and my parents called Dina when they couldn’t get through to the mansion. I think the phone line may have actually been disconnected. A week later, I end up moving into Dina’s house in northern Virginia.

It’s important to remember that just because you are getting sober, it doesn’t mean you should ever be reduced to living in squalor, and Dina’s house was new, spacious, and had a hot tub.

After babysitting me for a few weeks, Dina decided she had to go to Hawaii with her new husband. Obviously I couldn’t be trusted on my own, so Karina drives down from Montreal and stays with me for a week. She was trying to get over some guy she was obsessed with (he worked in a grocery store Karina, yuck!), and I was trying to get over my newest chemical obsession. It was basically the beginning to a success story.

She taught me how to play ‘zombies’ on Xbox and we spent most of the week naked in the hot tub or in her mom’s bed (sorry Dina). Karina left shortly after her mom came home, but we had so much fun together that I convince her to come back for the summer. While she’s gone I start dating the guy from the beach and the girl from Virgina because every time I’m alone I feel like killing myself.

Dating three people is hard work, and Karina is the first to freak out on me. She stops just short of hitting me, which I would have deserved. Even so, we like each other enough to stay friends (with benefits of course).

Later that summer, Dina takes me to Montreal for Karina’s graduation. We stay in a gorgeous loft in Old Port, and a magical time ensues.

I end up meeting Karina’s grandmother who is a retired professor from British Columbia. Dina’s husband’s name is Dick, and when grandma meets us she starts calling us ‘the icks from Virginia’. I’m not from Virginia and consider being offended but this tickles me in a place I needed to be tickled.

Karina and I sneak on to the roof to watch the sunrise, and end up competing with Dina and Dick over ‘bedroom noises’. Kind of fucked up, but it was fun. We even stumble across a four story night club made entirely of glass in the middle of a field. I have pictures…and this was a 100% sober trip.

Like all beautiful relationships, mine and Karina’s basically comes to an end. We still skype every couple of years, but we haven’t spent any real time together since 2013. We talk about seeing each other but it never materializes.

My ex-friend John, the one with the hot French wife, told me how he snuck across the Canadian border in British Columbia on three separate occasion. I know that B.C. is a long ways from Quebec, but I love taking trains. Mostly due to the ‘refreshment car’ – no one cares if you’re plastered on a train, it’s fantastic. I’m mad at John for trying to extort me for money to buy heroin, but I may have to call him soon for some assistance. (We all do things we regret, but really John, extortion?) I lost my moral compass in fifth grade on that horseback ride in Mexico, and not even I would do that.

Karina and I use to joke about how she would kidnap me one day and hide me in her closet. She even told me she’d throw me a bag of Doritos once in awhile. Maybe one day soon that dream will become a reality.