The Slug

I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone as much as I hated Slug. I would sit on the floor of my shower in the morning hoping she’d die on her way into the office so I’d never have to see her again. Hopefully, the hypothetical accident would happen near the office though so I could put a cigarette out on her cold, fat, lifeless corpse before they wheeled her to the morgue, where they would probably have to incinerate her when no one claimed her misshapen body. Alas, God isn’t real, so my prayers were never answered. I always came in an hour before her. Mostly, because I had to, but also so I could soak up the 60 precious Slug-free minutes I got each day at the evil corporation.

We called her Slug because she looked EXACTLY like the picture above, even though she was only five years older than I was at the time. The moniker was also fitting because she left a trail of slime behind her whenever she walked. Sure, she was tough to look at, but her personality was so fucking repulsive, that not even yours truly (one of the best actors I know), could hide my disdain for her. Luckily, everyone in our group agreed that this girl was as stupid as she was off-putting.

How did she get hired? One of the Supervisors on the account, who had been on it for almost half a decade and was getting ready to transfer to another group, had vouched for her as a ‘friend’. One of two things happened here.  The Supervisor was so bitter about being stuck on the same account for five years, that she was punishing everyone with the presence of Slug as she made her great escape to another beige cubicle farm. The second option and I’m pretty sure this is what happened since the Supervisor was a decent human being: Slug had bullied her into making the recommendation. I pictured Slug showing up everywhere this Supervisor went and dumping her icky sticky slime on everything. The Supervisor can not and should not be blamed if this was the case.

Whatever really happened, we got stuck with her.

Slug had one of the loudest, and most sonically pungent voices I’d ever heard on a human. This woman had no volume control and anytime she spoke on the phone (which was all the time) my ears would start ringing like I was about to have a brain aneurysm. We all complained until they gave Slug her own little corner near the breakroom. Until ANOTHER group complained about her heinous Slug noises, and they forced her to move back over.

She couldn’t even walk quietly. When she thundered past my desk the computer monitor would shake. I would grab the sides of the monitor to steady it, and huff with displeasure to let her know that she was bothering me. Unfortunately, picking up on unsubtle social clues was not her forte.

Slug was married to a man who’d lived his entire life in a wheelchair. Obviously, this was the only person she could trick into taking her as a wife. I never met him, but I did (and still do) feel bad for this guy. Slug liked to push people around, and her husband was no exception. She talked often, and quite openly about hiding the keys to the elevator and trapping him in their basement – and she wasn’t fucking joking. She was abusing this poor handicapped man, and to make it worse, she thought we’d all find it funny.

She also kept trying to get pregnant, which was gross in and of itself because who wants to think of a Slug banging a paraplegic. I pictured him screaming ‘no!’ and ‘stop!’ as he cried. God must not have wanted her to procreate though because it never took, even after she resorted to drastic medical measures.

Slug did everything in her very limited power to get you in trouble. I assume this is what all stupid people do in corporate America who can’t get ahead on their own merits. Slug was the one who would get ahold of my IM conversations and give them to my Supervisor. I wasn’t even saying anything terrible. I’d learned to switch to my phone for that.

One good thing did happen as a result of Slug working for the evil corporation. A co-worker named Katie sat near me in the early days, and she hated Slug even more than I did. We’d been bashing Slug on IM all morning. Again, this was in the early days when we didn’t know we were living in a police state. Someone had given Slug a giant, never-ending project, presumably, so she’d stop talking, but being the worthless garden pest that she was, she was always trying to pawn it off on other people.

So Katie gets a message from Slug that reads:

Hi, can you please help with Project Wabberwocky

Katie copied the message and wrote under it:

No, because you’re a Slug, and you’re not cool enough

Katie meant to send the message to me but sent the ENTIRE thing back to Slug. When she told me what she’d done, it was like getting the giggles in church. I could not hold them in.

So, what are you going to do? I messaged Katie.

Nothing I can do now…I’ll probably get fired.

Are you going to help her with the project?

Fuck no.

That’s when I lost control and had to excuse myself for a cigarette. I walked up and down Fifth Avenue, laughing like a crazy person.

Eventually, we’d had enough, and I and two co-workers tried to get her fired. I know this was wrong, but we didn’t know what else to do, and sometimes the end does justify the means. We filed a couple ‘anonymous‘ reports with HR about Slug being a bully and hearing her ‘mutter racist comments under her breath’.

They probably knew this was a lie from the start since Slug had zero volume control. But the following week we all got pulled into a conference room and interrogated. Anonymous my ass, but that’s what we get for trusting an evil corporation.

Two weeks later, Slug got fired on her own for being an incompetent nincompoop, bringing yet another sad chapter of my life to a close.