This is going to shock you, but I’ve only gotten an STD once. What are the chances? Usually, when you drink constantly, use drugs indiscriminately, and sleep with all of your friends you end up with many a sexually transmitted disease. This is what I assume at least.
I remember seeing a statistic for DUIs in a magazine that said you could drive drunk over 400 times before getting arrested. Assuming that the number does not increase/decrease exponentially, and I’ve been charged with three DUIs, it means that I’ve driven drunk over 1200 times. Technically I should have five, but charm got me out of one, and Caleb got me out of another. (Sorry I never sent you that last check Caleb, but I think we can both agree that it was selfish of you to send your paralegal to my last hearing so you could be at the birth of your first son. I’m sure you’ll have another one).
Lets say that the number is probably closer to 2000, although this seems low. That’s not as impressive as it is pathetic, but let’s not be judgey. In my defense, I very rarely drive intoxicated anymore and will almost always chose to use someone else’s Uber account to get home.
My point in all of this is that I have to wonder what the statistics are for STDs? I’m not going to look it up, but I think we can agree that like almost everything else, I fall way above the bell curve when it comes to avoiding the diseases of a sexually transmitted nature.
Another surprising detail of my first and only STD is that it occurred during a brief and unsatisfying period of (almost) celibacy. I’d only slept with one person in seven months. Before you shake your head in disappointment, you should know that this wasn’t by choice.
It was just another unfortunate side effect of the program I’d pled into after getting a third DUI when firemen smashed the window out of my Jetta. The only upside of state-mandated celibacy was that when my doctor’s office called me, I knew exactly who gave it to me. I texted Carter as soon as I got off the phone.
Hey man, it’s Nick, you gave me chlamydia, which isn’t a big deal because you just have to take some pills, but you should probably go to the doctors. If you don’t take care of it, your bladder can get fucked up.
I didn’t really care about the health of his bladder. I just wanted him to know that he’d ruined my perfect record. He responded later that evening.
I’ve been checked out twice since we hooked up, and I don’t have anything so idk how you got it
This was obviously a lie. He told me he’d gotten chlamydia like four times in the past year. Plus, I’m not 12, so I know I didn’t catch it from a toilet seat in a public restroom.
Whatever, this kid was gross, and I wasn’t going to stop him if he wanted to spread STDs around Washington County. It’s not like I ever planned on going back there. Carter called me the next afternoon, and I accidently picked up since I didn’t have his number saved in my phone.
“Good day?”, in an English accent in case it was a bill collector.
“Hi, is Nick there?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Carter, how are you!?”
“Well I still have chlamydia”
“You didn’t get your pills yet?”
“I go tomorrow. Look, I have to go get ready for…something…”
“Do you want to hangout tomorrow?”
“Well, I really want to hook up again”
“What is wrong with you? I have CHLAMYDIA, and the pills take a week to work”
“I don’t care. I can’t stop thinking about it”
Here’s where I should have hung up, but I’m too nice, and eventually he wore me down. This is exactly how he got me the first time. I was reading Infinite Jest, and he wouldn’t leave me alone until I let him get me off. One of my friends once told me that some day I’m going to let a terrorist convince me to put a bomb in my suitcase before I board an airplane. To which I responded “well how many times does he ask me? And is there money involved?”
Everything is negotiable in my book, which is probably why I did so well those three times I went to college. I agree to meet Carter in a week so the pills have time to work.
He texts me once a day to remind me of our ‘date’ which makes me feel kind of bad for him. Someone needed to help this kid find his dad so they could start building a relationship.
The morning of the meet, I did what I always do when I don’t really want to do something and ignored his calls. Instead I slept until 2pm, which felt like a much better use of my time.
I guess the moral of the story is always wear a condom in Washington County, and never listen to your doctor when she tells you to notify all of your recent sexual partners because they may just insist on re-infecting you.