Did all of this really happen?

Yes. And I usually have to leave some things out to get an R rating instead of an NC-17.

Do you feel guilty about exposing the flaws of others?

Sometimes, but I’m pretty damn open about everything that’s wrong with me so really, I think it’s only fair. I guess the only thing I can tell you is don’t hangout with me or tell me secrets if you aren’t willing to let me write about it. I promise to change your name though because I’m not a monster.

Where do you live now?

In the keyboard of my laptop. I call it the fifth dimension…fuck AA’s fourth dimension! I’m so enlightened that I’ve transcended beyond what they think is possible.

Why are you such a shitty person?

First, maybe you’re a shitty person for pretending to be nice to everyone you meet. I call that lying, which is only ok if you’re getting something out of it. The people that I actually care about know I’m a giving person with bottomless empathy…just not for everyone.

Are you mentally ill?

Just a little. I used to feel bad about it until I realized it made me more interesting.

What do your parents think of all this?

My parents are amazing, support anything I do, and they did a remarkable job of teaching me right from wrong. The wrong thing is usually just more attractive to me.

Can we be friends in real life?

Probably not because you might be boring and not know it. If you think you can pass the questionnaire, contact me and I’ll send it to you. Warning: it’s 467 questions and may take you half a day. But once you’re in you’re in!