I’m Leaving

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.


January 2018

To The People Who Love Me,

Please try not to be angry, scared, upset, although I’m sure you are feeling all three. This is NOT a suicide note, let’s establish that upfront. I always pictured my suicide note as a video montage or a performance art piece. Go ahead laugh, because I’m not going to kill myself. I actually don’t want to die, for the first time in a long time. I’ve found something I want to do with my life. At last, a purpose.

I am done with drugs. And I’ll do my best to avoid alcohol, but won’t make any promises about being sober all the time. We both know I never keep those.

I’m not doing another rehab. And another one when that one fails to produce lifelong sobriety. In terms of the overused definition of insanity, I think another rehab meets all the criteria. I have some things wrong with my head, some quirks if you will. I promise to see a Psychiatrist religiously, our family’s version of church.

It’s a foreign feeling to actually believe in a choice I’m making instead of just thinking it’s the ‘right’ choice. Favorite Therapist taught me there is rarely ever a ‘right’ choice, just what is right for you at the time.

I want and deserve my own life. I will not spend the next three years having stressed out social workers tell me where to live and where to be. This was not an impulsive decision.

Favorite Social Worker has always told me (in private of course) that I’m not like these other people. Despite the similarities of addiction, I am not like these people, and I will not spend another year isolated and lonely.

I know there will be consequences for the choice I’m making. And I know I can’t avoid them forever. When I’m ready, I’ll hire a competent attorney (Fuck Patrick, you were right Mom) who can lay out all my options.

As for the rest of my plans, don’t ask for specifics because I don’t want to lie to you anymore. I know there is nothing you wouldn’t do for me, and if there’d been a way to include you in this plan, I would have.

I’m safe, I’m writing, and I think for the first time in 28 years, I’ve finally made a decision for myself.

Love,

Nick


Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

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