I’m Sick

I know things are about to get bad when I stop sleeping. Either that or when I start sleeping 18 hours a day. The migraines are also a good sign that my brain has gone from just a little broken to needing a full on hardware replacement (i.e. a psych ward).

I get caught in loops. It’s what made me good at whatever meaningless job I was currently pretending to enjoy. I get obsessed – which can be good if it’s something other than drugs, sex, or crime. “You don’t do well in circles” my girlfriend told me the other day “literally or figuratively”. I’d gotten lost in a traffic circle for 20 minutes while trying to find her law firm.

It’s weird how things happen. When I’m depressed I pray for the mania so that I can get out of bed and stop spending $60 on GrubHub every day. When I’m manic I wish for the depression so I can sleep. You really do start to hallucinate after 48 hours of work, sex, shop, drink, work, sex, shop, drink.  Those sleep doctors were right about something for once. My point is that I was rarely happy. Always wanting to be in a different state. Again, literally and figuratively.

My close friends, and my mom, can tell the difference in the way I’m speaking. Can’t get out of bed = slow, gravely, forced. Can’t get in bed = fast, excited, not always coherent.

My surgeon sister was the first to call it out. Only took her 29 years, but brilliant people are rarely aware of their surroundings. “I don’t think Nick should be on antidepressants because it can and will aggravate bipolar disorder”

I called my evil genius doctor in Pittsburgh (the one who gets me $1000s of meds each month for free, I’d give you her name but she’s MINE) and she weened me off of two antidepressants. It wasn’t great considering they’ve basically become my blood type.

I’m much happier now, which is ironic in and of itself. I guess it’s nice to feel again after a ten year hiatus.

Having the answer to a lifelong question doesn’t guarantee change. But it’s a start.



  1. Have you read any Gabor Mate? He feels that all heavy substance abusers suffered trauma during childhood. I’m assuming you did as well. He feels that once the trauma is addressed and treated, the person no longer desires to obliterate the brain. Or something like that.

    I don’t have any trauma in my childhood other than my father disappeared off the face of the earth when I was 3. Never to be seen again. But I was too little to remember it, so I assumed it was a non issue. Dr. Mate might disagree…

    1. Never read him, sounds good though. Sadly, I can’t blame my addiction on anyone or anything but myself. I mean one of the eight nannies may have molested me, but I doubt it because I was strong willed even as a kid. “Get back you fat hag!” I imagine myself saying.

      And that sucks about your Dad, mine was always around, when he wasn’t working to support my selfish spoiled family.

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