Heroin makes me throw up out my car window while going 60 on the highway.
Ambien makes me eat entire bricks of cheese and whole rotisserie chickens while I’m sleeping.
Ecstasy makes me grind my teeth, ruining thousands of dollars of fillings.
Dextromethorphan makes me walk like a broken robot and afraid of open spaces.
Marijuana makes me paranoid and gives me a kaleidoscope view of everything that’s wrong with my life.
Vicodin makes my eyeballs itch.
Mushrooms taste like cow shit and always call me a liar.
Xanax makes me punch my boyfriend in the head when he steals my checkbook.
Molly makes me rub my face on cheap carpet until I have rug burn.
Cocaine makes my nose bleed and hide in the basement bathroom.
Adderall makes my legs hurt and my nose run like a first grader.
LSD makes it impossible to watch Netflix.
Crack makes me think the cops are hiding in the attic….and the basement…and the tool shed.
Soma makes me feel like I’m trapped under water.
Ketamine makes me feel like I’m melting into the floorboards and that my roommate Is possessed.
Gabapentin makes my stomach swell up like a beach ball.
Suboxone makes my knees feel like they are going to break into a million drug-soaked pieces.
Dexedrine makes it impossible to eat.
Lyrica makes me lose my balance, wallet, watch, and phone.
Klonopin makes me get on the wrong train, ending up in cities I can’t pronounce.
Methamphetamine makes my face break out and call the police to report conspiracy theories.
Alcohol makes me say things I’ll regret for years.
Valium makes me crash my car or whosever I happen to be driving.
Vyvanse makes me see people in the woods.
Fentanyl makes me wake up in the ER with tubes tying me to the bed, every time.
Ritalin makes me clean other people’s houses when I have homework to do.
Nicotine makes my head hurt and is slowly destroying my lungs.
Methadone makes me sleep all day and crave strawberry milkshakes from McDonald’s.
Caffeine makes my heart race and my hands shake.
Oxycontin makes me scratch off chunks of my skin with a wire dog brush.
Ativan makes me steal things I don’t need, like headbands from Rite Aid.
Percocet makes my liver hurt.
Nitrous makes me feel like I’m going to die, but not in a good way.
Phenobarbital gives me an agonizing rash on all of my joints and always sends me to the ER.
Provigil makes my right eye twitch and allows me to spend hours trying to perfect hospital corners on bed sheets.
Roxicodone makes me think it’s a brilliant idea to install LED lights under my bed.
Phentermine makes me feel like I’m having a heart attack.
Dilaudid makes going number two an hour-long event, complete with blood and screams.
Concerta doesn’t work.
Morphine makes me look like a cadaver that somehow wandered out of the freezer at the morgue.
Temazepam makes me hit on my best friend’s mom.
Yet, if you put any of these chemicals in front of me, they’d be gone the second you turned your back.