SJW Panda


3/16/18 Sjw Panda Takes a Walk:


Panda brought his rainbow flag because everyone should respect who he fucks.


Panda was conflicted about this one. He HATES the destruction of public property, but LOVES pushing his political and ideological beliefs on strangers. Panda is only partly offended!


Even though Panda doesn’t have a biological vagina, he’s always felt like there might be one there – a phantom vagina.


Panda stopped for some Chinese food on the way home. He was offended by these chopsticks though because they were racist.


Panda ate lactose free ice cream when he got home because like all SJW’s he’s just a basic bitch at heart.


And because he’s a closet alcoholic, Panda woke up the following morning next to this back alley slut.

At least there’s one thing I wouldn’t change about my adopted little bundle of joy.


3/8/18 Sjw Panda Goes Out to Eat

We decided to take SJW Panda out for dinner last night to celebrate another clean STD screening. Plus our Groupon was about to expire.

After we were settled at the table, Panda tells us that he has to make a eucalyptus tinkle, so we drag him to the restroom.

His mom and I are thrilled when we see the sign on the restroom, not because we believe in gender fluidity, but because we are tired of SJW Panda embarrassing us in public. We have that pretty much handled on our own.


I tell his mom to pose for a picture of the sign so we can make fun of it later when Panda is safely out of earshot. No sooner had my phone flashed when I heard the words that have started to haunt me, even in my dreams:

“I’m offended!”

“Jesus, what now?”

“There’s no panda on that picture. Oh sure they included a paraplegic in his little chariot, but where is my safe space?”

“They can’t include everyone everywhere all the time” I try to explain.

“Yes they can, they just aren’t trying hard enough”

His mom and I roll our eyes, knowing that another night out is about to be ruined by the Left.


3/6/18, Sjw Panda Confronts the Stairs

Sjw panda woke us up at the crack of dawn this morning with his mating call – I’m offended!!!

Hungover and still dressed in evening wear, we emerged from our bedroom just in time to catch his diatribe:


Look at these steps, this is atrocious…how is a panda supposed to use these!? I don’t see any reasonable accommodation being made for my species. These steps are a form of psychological violence, I’ll be in therapy for years because of them!!!

Jesus Panda Christ, there’s also only one hand rail! What are all of my one armed friends supposed to do? Walk down the steps backwards?

I only see white trim!!! Where is the black and yellow trim? Not only are these stairs inaccessible, but they are racist!

This is a national tragedy and I will be reporting these steps…


3/4/2018, SJW Panda comes out:

The ink was barely dry on the adoption papers when SJW Panda hit us with a bombshell.

“Mom, Dad, I’ve been having a problem…”

We steal an excited glance at each other because this is what we’ve been waiting for. SJW Panda is finally going to tell us he’s addicted to drugs, sex, or something else fun. All he’s done since we brought him home is troll Facebook and yell about things that offend him. It isn’t disruptive as it is really fucking boring.

“Well I’ve decided that I’m a Non-binary Gender Fluid Cis-Male and the kids at school won’t call me by my preferred pronoun, which is them

“There’s no way we are calling you that in this house buddy” his mom screams.


“Maybe you have a brain tumor…” I tell our black and white bundle of joy.

“Mom took me to the neurologist already last week when she caught me watching CNN”

“See, we do love you, just not unconditionally because that’s retarded”

“Dad you cant use the ‘R’ word anymore!”

“All I can tell you is that if you are going to be a ridiculous person, than you should expect people to make fun of you…”

“Will you and mom go dress shopping with me?”

We both throw a credit card at his awkwardly shaped body and rendezvous in the bedroom. It’s already starting, maybe we shouldn’t have rescued him from that median strip on Pennsylvania Ave….


3/3/2018, SJW Panda goes shopping:


SJW Panda only buys organic, even though it’s thrice as much money. He loves the environment that much.


SWJ Panda is a true soy-boy. Only the best soy will be introduced to his sensitive palate.


SJW Panda hates GMOs, and won’t let his future panda children be effected by such toxins.


Even when it comes to feeding his mongrel, SJW Panda goes organic because dogs are people too

The Beginning:

My girlfriend and I met this little guy outside the White House today. We were there to try and find the blood stain on the pavement from when that guy blew his head off. Our futile search was put to an end when we heard SJW Panda bellow “I’m offended!”

Instead of euthanizing him like we would with any other Social Justice Warrior, we decided to adopt him as one of our own. We can now study the enemy and plan a hostile takeover of the Left. What follows is the true story of SJW Panda….

Look for regular updates!