“Is this going to taste good?”
“No it’s pee” i think to myself “besides you’ve obviously done this before”.
What I say though is “well do you want me to put some in a glass so you can test it?”
I’m wasted on Grey goose and tonic water, not that I wouldn’t have done it sans alcohol, just trying to set the scene.
“No, I mean have you been drinking a lot of water?”
He’s been watching me drink vodka all night. How did this man build a multimillion dollar consulting firm?
“I guess I feel pretty hydrated”.
He nods his head, and I pee in his mouth. I really had to go, and I sigh with relief.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the weirdest part of the night.
Tom was texting me while I was in an Uber, heading to the Hyatt to hook up with the pilot I met with my girlfriend at the bar that night. She was supposed to come, this was a group project, but she had a cold and work in the morning.
Tom writes “Can you call me while you guys are hooking up so I can listen?”
“I mean I wouldn’t care, but I just met this dude so probably not”
The pilot is hot but wants to cuddle afterwards so I tell him my girlfriend wants me back at our hotel so I don’t get murdered. He tells me I am an adult, and I should be able to do what I want. The first part of that was definitely false, but I did agree with the second part and that’s why I was leaving.
I make Tom get me an Uber by telling him that all my credit cards were stolen at a work event. Luckily he doesn’t ask what kind of work I do that has roving pickpockets because I don’t have an explanation ready. Maybe I could have told him that I tutored prison inmates in basic math, since he didn’t yet know I think people should help themselves instead of demanding it from others.
Once I’m inside his sprawling house, he wants me to give him a detailed account of hooking up with the pilot. It’s 5 am at this point, and I’m much more interested in running through his expensive alcohol. So I pull up the collection of writing I have saved to my phone as this was before my blog.
I tell him he can read them if he’s interested in hearing about my sex life. Tom reads while I make myself at home and pick out a couple of books I plan to take when I leave. He eventually puts down the phone and sighs.
“You know that I dated Shaun (my ex) for two weeks right?”
“Shut up, no you didn’t”
Learning this piece of unwelcome information may have contributed to my decision to comply with his request for a urine cocktail. I was having trouble putting my feelings into words, and it seemed like a healthy outlet.
I end up passing out mid hook up, and I’m awoken the next morning by my girlfriend calling me. She’s going to work and wants to make sure I have a key. Tom walks into the room as I’m hanging up and he lays down in bed, naked, and shuts his eyes.
“I can’t believe I relapsed last night”
“I didn’t see you drink anything…”
“No I mean with the sex”
“Sex addiction isn’t real Tom, its like white privilege, something people make up because they are jealous”
“I’m not a sex addict”
“Well then what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I have to go to church and confess my sins…”
“You mean because you drank my pee?”
“No, our homosexual sins”
Turns out ole’ Tommy boy is a devout Catholic and also a member of sex and love addicts anonymous, but only to combat his faggotry. I’m kind of disturbed but also have to control my laughter because the whole situation is just too much.
“So how long have you made it without committing a homosexual sin?”
“Two months, but I get stronger every time”
“Don’t you think you’d feel better if you just admitted you liked dick and stopped apologizing for it?”
“I’ve never been happier Nick, I know God is in me and that I’m working towards the truth”
He then asks me to go to mass with him, but warns me that he has to go to confession and he will probably be crying loudly.
“Why would you want me to go with you and have a visual reminder of your gay sins?”
“Because you need saved, and the only way is through Him”
“I don’t know, I feel pretty free, maybe another time though”
I do make him get me an Uber back to my place though by telling him it’s his penance, and call my girlfriend on the way back and relay the details of my night after she fell asleep. She sounds almost drunk with excitement.
“We have to get him to let us go to church with him…I want to see him cry”
Luckily Tom told me he was going to a second mass that evening and I try to ingratiate us, but I’m pretty sure he knows why we really want to go.
I imagine that this is what happens when you are sexually repressed. You become a deviant and start drinking urine and asking strangers if you can listen in while they fuck. Although, what are the chances that this guy knew Shaun?
Maybe there is a God, and I should start repenting.
I have a lot to confess.